Tortured Souls

I've been thinking about this term: Tortured Soul.

We use the term pretty liberally, it seems, as a way to describe someone who appears emotionally unattainable.  Someone who has been through a lot.  Someone who is going through a lot.  Someone with internal demons.  Someone who caters to them.  Some people are attracted to the tortured soul.  Some know to steer away from them… But I don't know of anyone who isn't intrigued.  Because like a black hole where its gravitational pull is so immense that none can survive, they're hard to ignore...such is a tortured soul.

I've been feeling like one, lately.  I don't know if its how I would have always described myself… It feels kind of melodramatic to label myself as such, but I think of this ache, a constant tearing that goes past my skin and my flesh and I can't think of a more appropriate way to label this inherent affliction.  But when you're the one looking out, when you're the black hole, you don't notice the pull of your own weight, so to speak, because everything else seems to overwhelm your senses.  You feel all of it… the broken pieces, the chasms, the darkness, the density, and it's as though time will only tell before you just implode and disappear within yourself.

I talked to someone at a party who also had a parent pass away recently and he said, "I thought the first year was hard, but year two just sucks."  I'm paraphrasing-- I can't say if that's a direct quote, but I think it's safe to say that's the gist.  For me, it will be one year in January since my dad passed and I'm dreading it, partly because I feel like time is running out for me to grieve without people just feeling pity for me.  It feels a little pathetic sometimes, actually.  People die.  I have a good number of friends whose parents have died, and I'm sure most of them were a lot closer than I was to my dad.  So, I feel this sense of shame… why can't I move on?  Why can't I let go?  Why can't I just be fine?  When will I feel like myself again?  Will I ever?  Or am I forever changed now?

I think about the scene in Harry Potter, when Harry sees the Thestrals pulling the carriages for the first time to Hogwarts.  They were always there, but he was never able to see them until after he had seen death.  What an accurate depiction of how differently things are perceived when someone close to you dies… something you can describe but no one else will quite understand unless they're put in a position to be able to see it themselves.  We live in secret clubs but it's hard to find the other members.